Copperhead

Here I go!! On the flight to Phoenix last night, I read some of the journaling I wrote a couple of years ago when things were really bad with Ray and I. We were separated because of his verbal abuse, he went into rehab for his cocain addiction and the co-dependency that was destroying me as a person was exposed by the light of God's truth.

I am a horse lover and this entry is really dear to my heart. It captures my life from that time and I pray that you will be blessed.

In Christ,

Cathy Knowlton

(The photo is not Copperhead - I just wanted a picture of a horse for the blog)

"Copperhead"
Heart of the Hills camp for girls
2nd term 2006

In the summer of 2006, I spent a week up at Heart of the Hills camp for girls. My daily time was primarily spent up at the stables where I just helped out the wranglers in their busy day, grooming, tacking & teaching.

One thing I offer the camp when I stay is to work with the horses that are giving them trouble. This past week, I met a very special horse. His name is Copperhead. He’s an older chestnut gelding, about 15 hands. Great confirmation and yet, so resistant to humans. There were lots of bad rumors going around about what kind of horse he was, but I tend to not let others opinions sway me, especially when it comes to a horse and mostly because I had not even ridden him yet. It’s unfair to judge an animal without giving him a chance. (Sound familiar?)

There was some trouble with him being tied up while putting on his tack, but I think he had been getting away with the bad habits for so long, it will be hard to re-learn to not pull away from the post and break off the halter anymore. It would take some tough love.

Copperhead is a great mount, in my opinion. He reigns beautifully and understands the words I speak to him and the pressure I give him. “Walk”, he understands. The smacking of lips or “click-click” to get him to speed up. Just a little pressure and a vocal encouragement will get him into a trot. He gets into his gallop just like any well-trained cow horse I’ve ever ridden. He takes his leads when asked and is easily controlled. His problem at first was bucking, and still is when someone new gets on him or when he senses his mount is in any way afraid. This is common in any normal horse.

Copperhead, I believe at one time, was a well-cared for, loved, well-trained performance horse trained for either roping, barrels, pleasure, reigning - who knows. But what I do know is that he has all the qualities of a well-trained horse. Everything I would look for in a horse if I were looking to buy one. He has really sweet eyes and really likes one-on-one attention. He gives his heart away very cautiously, now that he’s at camp. I believe at one time in his life, he would do anything for his mount. His generosity has been shattered along the way and now he is reluctant.

It is sad to imagine this well-loved horse now “abandoned”, in a way, to a girls camp.
He was probably raised by a loving girl or boy, man or woman. He has a bad scar on the left side of his face, which looks like a branding, but could be a scar from a very bad accident or perhaps abuse. He just doesn’t give the attentiveness with his head like he should, as though he is waiting for something to go wrong - I can’t really put my finger on it. He seems very distant. He is very un-trusting.

This beautiful, gentle horse was somehow, along the way, treated very wrongly. The only way to get him back was for me to give him some one-on-one and some very much needed TLC, patience, encouragement and an abundance of affection. I gave him all I could and saw wonderful changes in him. Now, other kids can ride him and the staff loves him. Sanna, one of the staff wranglers from Sweden, now holds him dear to her heart and Copperhead doesn’t even seem to need me anymore. She has witnessed a huge change.

On my drive home, I thought about Copperhead. He and I are so much alike in our journey. I was doing my best, being my best, and I was torn down. Today, I cannot stop weeping. My soul is shattered. The one person I gave my heart to has abused me and broken all confidence and trust I had in him. I’m skiddish, I’m not confident, I’m scared, especially when I’m around Ray. I hesitate in speaking to him because I’m fearful of what has happened before with his reactions to what I say. I don’t know how to act because it was never good enough. I couldn’t even groom myself without being accused of doing it for other reasons (in Ray's mind) other than just taking time to groom myself as I had always done.

Jodi, the wrangler from New Zeland, kept saying, “You need to take Copperhead home with you!” and “He needs a good home.” I agreed. But, that was not an option. Copperhead will adapt to the ways of camp life and it will dictate the kind of horse he will become until he dies. The people he is around will have an impact on him and the way he is treated on a daily, an hourly basis, will determine what kinds of ways he will improve or not improve.

I just hope the little I could do will last. I know what that horse needs. I pray that I will be given the same kind of treatment as I work through this time in my life. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but it was heavy on my mind and I had to write it down.

Copperhead and me. A horse and a wife. God’s creations. Greatly loved, greatly adored.
Beautiful works of my Father in heaven. I praise God for the blessing of horses.

This story also shows me the impact I can have on my husband and others who have been abused, neglected, torn down, brokenhearted, etc.